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Join us in our mission to pave every inch of Loudoun County!
Loudoun County is a great place to live!
Just ask Fortune Magazine! The publication listed Leesburg, Virginia, the county seat as the 8th most desirable place to live in the United States. If there’s one terrible thing about living in Loudoun, it’s all the verdant acreage and pastoral splendor.
However, thanks to the rubber-stamping of new construction projects, a revolving door of sycophantic politicians making policies with little to no regard for the people who live here, and urban planning laws that are incoherent to non-existent, that’s all changing. In recent years, we’re proud to report that urban sprawl has finally made its way into Loudoun County.
Yes, Loudoun is quickly joining the ranks of other areas of Northern Virginia that you drive through on your way to get somewhere.
While we’ve made great strides in recent years to eradicate all the natural splendor of Loudoun, the mission is far from over. Rest assured, we won’t rest until every tree has been ripped out by its roots and replaced with a utility pole and every charming country lane has been paved into a six-lane freeway. Only then can we proudly say we’ve fully welcomed the encroach of urbanization with all the warmth and open arms of a new mother. Join us in our mission to pave Loudoun County. Pave it all to hell.
Who knows? With enough utility poles and asphalt, maybe in a few years we can clinch the number one spot on Fortune‘s List!
The Pave Loudoun Award
Nominate a public figure helping contribute to the blighting of Loudoun County!
Bring these individuals out of the darkness.
The only good tree is a dead tree
Everyone knows trees suck. They’re basically the Yoko Onos of nature. Needless to say, they’ break up the party real quick. By contrast, power lines are awesome and way better. Read our handy primer on what makes power lines so great and how trees find new and interesting ways of being terrible every day!
Coming Soon: Rhonda and the Adventurettes
These awesome pre-teens have caught power line zip-line fever, which has symptoms strangely similar to radiation poisoning. But anyhow, read about all their high-flying, crime-fighting adventures. Will the radiation from the power lines give them superhero-like powers, or just a rare form of untreatable cancer? We can’t wait to read and find out in this fully illustrated children’s book! Email [email protected] to join the waiting list.
Daryl Data Center
He’s not condescending; he’s Daryl Data Center! And, he’s here to answer all the questions you may have about the relentless influx of data centers coming to Loudoun County. As you’ve been told, Loudoun is developing, and that means there are new energy needs. It’s not the data centers causing the need for so much power; it’s the single mother of three, huddled in a two-bedroom ranch. Daryl wants to remind you that when you point a finger accusing someone, there are always three fingers pointing back at you.
Coming Soon: Concrete Dreams Scholarship Award
We’re dedicated to inspiring the next generation of bureaucrats and engineers with high IQs but no empathy and who never stop to think about the consequences of their professional actions. Does this sound like a little Oppenheimer in your life? If so, nominate him or her—but probably him—for the Concrete Dreams Scholarship Award. This award is only for STEM students, because screw any other form of discipline as a valued class or asset.
Pilot Project: Parks Into Par 3s
You may be surprised to find out we love golf courses. Why? Because they do a fantastic job of limiting public access to green spaces—especially for the poor. (Yuck!) Plus, all the pesticides wash into the waterways, setting the stage for a Darwinian survival of the fittest for our fishy friends. It’s like aquatic capitalism! That’s why we’re piloting a campaign aimed at converting what few parks there are in Loudoun into privately run par 3 golf courses.
You might call us a non not-for-profit.
We are not a 501(c)(3). Like everything else in this late-stage capitalistic society in which everything is for sale, we are merely a cash-grab. But, if we make enough money, we may try to buy a few politicians. We’ll see how it goes.
– Pave Loudoun